Newark, NJ – 3 People are dead and another 2 are in critical condition after an armed convoy carrying thousands of copies of Microsoft’s vaunted Windows XP and Office XP software was attacked in a daring daylight raid. A complete software audit has not yet been done, but insiders suspect the pirates made off with enough of the key software packages to supply a small (and likely hostile) nation – possibly France.
“We can only hope now that people see just what lengths these software pirates are willing to go to profit off of the backs of noble and hard working engineers” said Bill Gates, spiritual head of Microsoft, from Mount Sinai Hospital where he was recovering from unrelated injuries sustained while protecting a shipment of 12 000 copies of the all new MSN 8.
Veteran Police Officer John Roseberry added “recently, we’ve seen an increase in the amount of violence used by software pirates in their disparaging attacks on the nation.” Though stopping short of outright labelling them terrorists, Sgt. Roseberry said of the as yet unidentified group, “these guys are clearly pros, organized through the internet, they are parasites preying on small businesses with no regard to the damage they wreak on society.” Adding, “without a licensed Microsoft operating system, a computer can’t run software – essentially becoming a paperweight.”
Also notable was the televised plea by Gertrude Olander, who’s husband, Henry was among the slain. Between sobs, she pleaded for the violence to stop, and for us all to remember the other victims, such as the children of Microsoft employees who will go hungry because their parent’s wages will be delayed or cut.
The shipment had a street value of almost 3.2 million dollars, and will force Microsoft to further scale back employee dental plans. Public relations manager Simon Tisket explained, that since Microsoft isn’t a monopoly (repeatedly asking reporters to write that down) the loss dramatically threatens profit margins. “Once something is stolen, it is gone, it doesn’t exist for honest citizens anymore,” Tisket explained. “What’s worse is the public perception that this behaviour is victimless. This ludicrous view is often reinforced by these same pirates giving their loot to the poor in a devastating propaganda campaign that sometimes even portrays us as the bad guys.”
A still flumoxed Gates commented “By far, the worst aspect of this case is that it may be too late to stop these guys. If they harness even a small fraction of the productivity enhancing features in those products – they may very well become unstoppable.”
